Of Meow and Men
by vala411
Summary: Tony is left to petsit. Nothing can go wrong, right?... RIGHT! (Part 3 of the Avengers Divergent AU)


**Of Meow and Men**

Tony blinked and stared at the man seated opposite of him. They were in his office in the Tower and he had to ask "Excuse me, could you repeat that?" just to be sure he heard right.

"You heard me the first time Stark." Fury grumbled as he crossed his arms.

"Just so we're clear, Dread Pirate Roberts," Tony waved the pen he had in his hand around "You're going on a mission and you want me to petsit for you?"

"Yes," Fury muttered as his good eye bore into Tony.

"So, why not Hill?" The billionaire asked.

"Because Hill is going on the mission with me,"

"You do know she works for me right?" Tony raised a brow.

"Look, I just need you to watch Goose for three days," Fury stated.

"Hmmmm, never would have pegged you for a fowl owner." Tony thought aloud.

"Not a goose," Fury was growing exasperated and the tick near his eye was a good tell. "I mean Goose." He stated and reached down to pick up the grey pet carrier. The head of an orange cat peered out at Tony and the animal gave a soft _Mrrrap_. "The fact that I'm even letting you near this guy means that I trust you Stark."

"Alright, alright. I'll watch your cat." Tony agreed as he looked at intelligent green feline eyes.

"And your roommates better not teach her anything weird," Fury stated as he got up and gave Tony the pet carrier.

"Towermates, not roommates, towermates." Tony corrected as Fury bent down and started cooing at Goose.

"You be good for me Goose. Don't do anything I wouldn't do," The director cooed.

"You know, that isn't very reassuring," Tony teased and Fury shot him a look that plainly said tell-anyone-and-you're-dead.

Tony looked at the cat after Fury had finally left and mumbled: "How hard could this be?"

_Day 1_

"Fri baby, where are the others?" Tony asked as he got on the elevator, carrier in hand and bag of cat toys slung over his arm. He pushed the button for the penthouse and waited.

"Mr. Barnes was in the lobby and ended up dealing with an unwanted visitor. He should be up momentarily. Mr. Loki is currently making salmon in your kitchen." Friday informed him.

Tony frowned "I thought we banned Loki from the kitchen?"

"Actually sir, you only banned him from making cakes since it turned out the yeast was the most susceptible to his magic." The AI stated matter of factly. "It has been him who has been making dinner for the past month now."

"I thought that was Barnes?" Tony frowned as he stepped off the elevator and into his home.

"Boss, Sargent Barnes burnt the butter the last time he tried to make eggs." Friday huffed. "I think we are all safer with Mr. Loki's food even if it does tend to hop off at times."

"I heard my name!" Loki spoke up from behind the stove. His back was turned to Tony and he seemed to be holding a spatula.

"It's nothing Reindeer Games," Tony called out. "Also shouldn't you be making food in your own kitchen? You have an entire floor."

"I do what I want Stark," Loki called out while waving the spatula dramatically in the air. "Besides, you and Barnes would starve if I don't cook."

"There's such a thing as takeout," Tony countered which was accompanied by an eyeroll.

"There is such a thing as flabby abs," Loki retorted while not taking his eyes off of the food he was making. He was adding some black pepper when the elevator dinged again and Bucky walked into the living room.

"Something smells good," The ex-assassin stated as he looked towards Tony and Loki. Then he noticed the pet carrier. "What ya got there?"

"Oh, just Fury's pet." Tony said as he put the carrier on a barstool. This time Loki did turn around and raised an immaculate eyebrow. "I know! I couldn't believe it either. He even sent along a bag of the cat's favorite toys and kibble." Tony answered the non-verbal question. He was getting good at deciphering Loki's eyebrow raises but he was still miles away from Barnes. He swore those two once had an entire conversation with eyebrows alone.

Tony opened the carrier and took out Goose, eager to show them the cat that stole Fury's heart. What he didn't expect was the earsplitting shriek that Loki uttered along with the curse "Fucking Vantir shit!"

"Language!" Barnes admonished.

"Like you don't curse in Russian!" Loki shot back as he suddenly started backing away from the cat in Tony's arms. Goose purred as Tony gave him a scratch.

"Jeez Rock of Ages. Settle down. It's just a cat." Tony rolled his eyes.

"That's not a cat! That's a freaking Flerken!" Loki shouted.

"What's a Flerken?" Barnes mouthed silently towards Tony who shrugged.

_Day 2_

Tony was stumped for a second day in a row. Last night Loki had promptly turned off the stove plated some food and hightailed it to the elevator all the while watching Goose suspiciously. It had taken them assuring Loki that Goose was asleep on Tony's bed and that he probably wouldn't be waking anytime soon to get the man to come back to the penthouse. They were now currently sitting on the couches in the living room as Loki told them what a Flerken was.

"Okay, so let me get this straight," Tony said as he started ticking off on his fingers. "Flerkens are an endangered species, they apparently lay eggs, resemble cats, have high intellect, pocket dimensions inside of their bodies and they have tentacles that come out of their maws. Am I missing something?"

"The reason Flerkens are so feared is because they once devoured a whole planet. Granted they were justified, but still a whole planet. Afterwards they were hunted to near extinction." Loki muttered. "To think that of all the places a Flerken turns up it's on Midgard."

"Loki, you sure you aren't high or something?" Bucky asked with a frown and Loki shot the man a glare. "I mean Goose just looks like an ordinary cat. No tentacles at all."

Loki huffed and crossed his arms. Before he could say anything else though Friday sounded the alarm. "Sir the Tower is under attack," She stated as Tony called his armor to him, Loki conjured his knives, and Bucky grabbed his gun he hid lord-knows-where on his person.

The Tower was going into lockdown but not fast enough. Doctor Doom, riding one of his Doombots managed to break through one of the penthouse windows. The shattering of glass was loud and it was followed by Doom shouting "All kneel before the mighty Doom!"

"HE STOLE MY LINE!" Loki looked annoyed before walking forward.

"Doom, seriously! It's nine AM!" Loki shouted.

"Doom does not care about time!" The villain responded.

"I swear if you are acting out because Susan rebuffed you again…." Tony shouted while pointing a repulsor at Doom. "At least attack the right tower! The Baxter building is like ten minutes from here!"

"Doom does not need direct-" Doctor Doom was cut off when purple tentacles enveloped him and his Doombot. He was then swallowed by none other than Goose who meowed afterwards and licked a paw before heading back towards the door that led to Tony's bedroom.

"See! I told you!" Loki exclaimed.

_Day 3_

Fury's phone was ringing and he picked it up, not checking the caller ID, while hiding behind a column. "Fury! This better be good motherf-" He shouted as gunfire assailed him.

"Fury!" it was Tony on the other end of the line. "When are you coming to get your cat?!"

"Flerken," Fury could faintly hear someone correcting.

"Cat….. Flerken… whatever! When are you coming?!" Tony asked.

"This mission might take a bit longer than I thought," Fury muttered as he then shouted, "Hill where is my bazooka!"

"Fury come get your damn cat!" Tony nearly shrieked. "He got fur on the inside of my armors and he ate my entire bar! MY ENTIRE BAR! I HAD GOOD BOURBON IN THERE!"

"Well he also gobbled up Doom, but who's counting," Someone in the background added. More gunfire followed and Fury had to end the call.

"Hill forget the bazooka. Call in an airstrike." Fury ordered.

"But sir…" Came from the other end of the communicator in his ear.

"Papa has to go home. Goosy needs me!" Fury shouted.

"Right away sir. One airstrike coming up," Hill stated not at all surprised anymore.

**-The End-**


End file.
